If I feel like this today, it is my family’s fault: many think so, but in this way, one’s story turns in vain and one remains “children” for life.
“It’s my parents’ fault”: it is one of the phrases most often pronounced by patients who go to psychotherapy, especially in the first sessions. Even when they are judged, on the whole, as good parents, the faults are still there: “They were too soft with me, they protected me too much, they always made me find the food ready”; or, on the contrary: “They loaded me with too many expectations”. In short, many, when things do not go as they hoped, tend to identify the cause in the previous generation.
Becoming adults, a necessary step
But if on the one hand there is no doubt that the parents’ way of being is an aspect that influences the formation of everyone’s personality, on the other it must be said that, if all our troubles really depended on them, we should go back to the first ones. hominids to find the real culprits of today’s problems, because each generation should blame the previous one! It is evident that everyone, regardless of the influences received in childhood and adolescence, at a certain point in their life must take responsibility for their own destiny and, therefore, also that of resolving the so-called “damage” that a mother inevitably and a dad, among other good things, provoked. If we fail to make this necessary step, the development of our consciousness is blocked at an insufficient level to deal with adult reality adequately.
So get out of the nest once and for all
#1 Put an embankment
You are not “only” your story. You are also something else. If the past continues to “demolish” in the present it is because you allow it.
#2 Lay down your weapons
Don’t keep waging battles that have been over for years, say “so be it” to everything that has helped get you where you are.
#3 Open yourself to the present
It is the only reality, the only action. And here you have everything you need to be happy: you have yourself and your way, which is unique.
You cannot live inside a “still image”
Our mind, as soon as it can, tends to see the causes of our discomfort externally, to blame others; and indeed, if we look for the mistakes that parents have made with us, we will almost always find them. And finally, because the culture of trauma instilled by a part of modern psychology makes us focus excessively on the past or, better still, only on the negative part of the past itself.
Three steps required
Yet it is precisely the moments in life in which we feel in check that offer us the possibility of getting out of justificationism, because they push us to stop being psychologically “children” and to become complete adults. This fundamental growth step takes place in three phases. The first is the one that many stop at: a more neutral gaze towards the past. Watching it as the spectator of a film would do, with transport but also with a certain detachment. Thus it is possible to avoid making summary and ungenerous judgments towards parents.
The second phase is that of accepting one’s own story. It is not a question of resignation or endurance, but the profound understanding of the fact that each of us must face, by law of nature, obstacles during growth (including, in fact, the inevitable mistakes of parents), and that “those there ”Are their own specific obstacles. If true acceptance has been achieved, it will not be difficult to move on to the third phase, that of personal responsibility, in which it becomes clear that the only ones who can do something to get out of the situation are ourselves that it no longer makes any sense to blame others and to the past.
It is the moment in which one becomes the real protagonist of one’s life: it no longer matters what the ancient cause of the current impasse is, but only the attitude with which one faces the problems. In this way, everything that happens to us, good or bad, will be completely ours, no more than others, and we will be able to live it with all of ourselves, without the legacies of psychologies that do not belong to us. Plus a great gift: by acquiring mastery of our life, we will forgive parents for the mistakes, true or presumed, that we have always attributed to them.
Mistakes not to make
“Whose fault is it?”
Look for the causes, the faults, the responsibilities; to complain: to blame others or oneself. It is the typical reaction when we fall into situations of more or less serious discomfort – from simple sadness to anxiety, to depression. But the way out is not on that side. The search for causes is often illusory and only obtains the result of making us remain in a nebulous and confused mental atmosphere.
“I have to react”
When certain inner states arrive, such as sadness, it is not by chance or spite. These are important signs that must be listened to. Perceiving them without looking for the causes, accepting the moment you are living without opposing, are much more therapeutic attitudes than imposing “reactions” all based on “holding on”, often more motivated by fear of the judgment of others than by real individual maturation .
Recognize the damage
What matters is to come out of a generalist vision in which parents are the “guilty of everything” and your past is “an insurmountable boulder”. It is not so. Overcoming this vision will allow us to concretely resolve, in the present, the real consequences of their errors. You can do it alone or with the help of a psychotherapist.
Really accept yourself
It is impossible to live without facing obstacles: they are part of life, ever since we are born. Realize that what happened to you in the first part of life is a characteristic of your personal destiny, as well as the place, time and context in which you were destined to live. Negative or positive, they were inevitable events. It’s your life: accept it.
Take back the future
With these two steps taken, it’s time to take full responsibility for your life. It is no longer a question of other people’s faults, of traumas suffered, of open wounds. There are no reparations to seek, justifications to oppose. There is only to live, addressing the still open problems as completely personal issues, which only you can solve. Nobody else.